Courageous Conversations

NVC Conversation Builder

Prepare a courageous conversation using Non-Violent Communication. Ground yourself first, anticipate the other person's perspective, then craft your message.

① beforeEmpathy with self

② beforeEmpathy with other

③ duringYour message (O · F · N · R)

④ reflectGet feedback

Load a scenario

Your scenario: think of a real situation you're navigating or have navigated. Work through each step below in your own words — start with how you're feeling, then consider the other person, then draft your message.

① Empathy with self — before you speak

Check in with yourself first

Understand your own emotional state before entering the conversation. The goal is to arrive grounded — not to rehearse arguments.

High empathy for others can mean we lose sight of our own needs in difficult conversations. A moment here means you're less likely to be reactive. Ask yourself: what am I actually feeling? What do I need from this? Is now the right time?

How are you feeling going in? (pick all that apply)

How can I support myself through this interaction?

Consider what you can do — before, during, or after — to stay regulated and take care of yourself, regardless of how the conversation goes.

How else can I take responsibility for getting my needs met?

NVC reminds us that meeting our needs is ultimately our own responsibility — not the other person's. This conversation is one strategy, but it's not the only one. What else could help?

② Empathy with other — still before you speak

Consider the other person's perspective

Before crafting your message, try to understand what might be going on for them. This shapes how you say things — not just what you say.

What unmet needs might sit behind their behaviour? What might make it hard for them to hear you or say yes? You don't need to get this right — you just need to stay curious.

They might be feeling… (pick what seems plausible)

If they push back or say "no", I could stay curious by asking…

"That makes sense — can you tell me more about where you're coming from?"

"Is there something I'm missing here?"

"What would work better for you?"

"I hear you — what would help most right now?"

③ Your message — observation · feeling · need · request

Aim for under 40 words total across all four steps. Total so far: 0 words.

Observation — stick to facts

What did you actually see or hear? No judgement, no interpretation.

Use: "I noticed [ specific behaviour ]…"
Avoid: "You always…" / "You're being…" / anything you inferred

Check: could you have literally seen or heard it? If not, it's an evaluation, not an observation.

Feeling — own your emotion

Name how you feel without blaming the other person.

Use: "I feel [ emotion ]"
Avoid: "I feel that you…" — if you can swap "feel" for "think", it's a thought, not a feeling

Try: frustrated / concerned / anxious / confused / hurt / uncertain / embarrassed / overwhelmed

Need — name your universal need

Help them understand what matters to you — without making it about them.

"…because I have a need for [ value ]"
Avoid: "I need you to…" — leave others out of your need statement

Try: clarity / trust / collaboration / fairness / consistency / autonomy / recognition / respect / support / understanding

Request — propose a concrete action

Specific, positive, and genuinely open to a "no."

"Would you be willing to [ specific behaviour ]?"
Say what you want to see — not what you don't want

A real request can be declined. If it can't — it's a demand. Treat "no" as an invitation to explore their needs.

④ Get feedback

Copy this prompt into an AI of your choice

Paste this prompt into any AI assistant — then paste your answers from below alongside it.

The prompt

You are a warm, practical NVC (Non-Violent Communication) coach. A student at a coding bootcamp has been practising courageous conversations using the NVC framework. They have shared their work below across three phases: empathy with self, empathy with other, and their message draft. Please give specific, encouraging feedback in under 200 words. For each section they have filled in, note what works well and suggest one concrete improvement if needed. Check whether they are confusing evaluations for observations, thoughts for feelings, or strategies for universal needs. Note whether their self-empathy shows genuine self-awareness and whether their empathy with the other person shows real curiosity. End with one short sentence of encouragement.

✓ Copied

Your answers

Fill in your draft above and your answers will appear here.

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Things to remember going in

Empathy with yourself first — you can't show up well for others if you haven't checked in with yourself
Empathy with other before you speak — curiosity about their perspective shapes how you say things, not just what
Separate the person from the behaviour — critique what happened, not who they are
Leave "you" out of your need — "I need clarity" lands better than "I need you to be clearer"
Under 40 words total — more words suggests you're justifying, which weakens your message
A real request can be declined — treat "no" as an invitation to explore their needs further
If it gets heated, pause — "Can we come back to this?" is not a failure
He aha te kai a te rangatira? He kōrero, he kōrero, he kōrero — communication is the food of leaders